LOS ANGELES — AUTHORITIES ARE INVESTIGATING A SEXTUPLE1 HOMICIDE AT CRYPTO ARENA. LEAD SUSPECT IS A SEVEN FOOT FRENCHMAN. FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF THE VICTIMS HAVE BEEN HEARD WHISPERING TO ONE ANOTHER “I DUNNO, IF THAT GUY GOT EM MAYBE THEY DESERVED IT” IN PRIVATE MOMENTS. THE SCENE IS SAID TO BE GRISLY WITH MISSED 3s AND DNP-CDs STREWN ABOUT IN EVERY DIRECTION.

Yeah look I don’t have a whole lot to say about this. Luka looked like someone who has recently been ill and variously injured. LeBron started on a mission and ultimately turned out to be 40 and not quite All That And A Bag Of Chips anymore. Rui delivered just about as much as you could hope for,2 Reaves did not, and Rudy Gobert buried the 2024-25 Lakers in the shallow grave this poorly-constructed roster deserves.

A brief moment to tell Mark Williams to please shut the fuck up you finished 45 games back in the East you LOSER:

I’m very mad which I’m sure is what he was hoping for. Congrats on getting that W during the postseason, something you’ll never experience in Charlotte, you bum.

Ultimately this bad roster resting on two variously-imperfect superstars got about what it deserved. Extremely impressive from the Timberwolves both to survive a terrible game from most of their players and convincingly shove the Lakers off a cliff in 5 games. Anthony Edwards continues to kill his heroes and/or elders3 with Steph Curry possibly up next for the honor. Regrettably, so regrettably, you gotta hand it to that big dumbass Frenchman Rudy Gobert for finishing the job. An absolute monster on the boards against a team that just opted out of having a plausible big man (see: Mark Williams being all goofy above).

You hate to see it.

The Lakers are dead, but the fuckery never dies. There’s a big LeBrontent anniversary coming up later this month and I’m sure there will be stories about the King’s basketball future throughout the offseason that are worth some commentary.

Until then, thank god I’m free of this dumbass team. Try again next year, Pelinka.