Hey sports fans, did you know there’s a fandom probably more toxic than whatever rivalry your favorite team has? No I’m not talking about K-Pop stan Twitter, I’m talking League of Legends!

For the uninitiated (those of you who touched grass growing up) League of Legends (or LoL, or League) is a 5v5 “Multiplayer Online Battle Arena” where you and your team attempt to claim objectives and destroy the other team’s base while preventing them from doing the same. You have “minions” that provide experience and gold which you use to power up your character so they can be more effective during the match.1

*exhale*

Anyways. Summoner’s Riff is a column born out of an intrusive thought during the doldrums of the offseason: What if we compared Power 4 college football teams to League of Legends champions? A few of us at the Malcontents Collective longed for a worthy opponent and felt compelled to Blog Out Our Feelings (otherwise known as BOOF, go Vawls). Danger (Penn State fan, Kled/Rumble main, started in 2014 and been clean since 2018), Alex (Missouri fan, Jayce/Mundo main played from 2013-2021 and has no desire to return), and Kayn Main Wain (our resident Nebraska fan) are here to take you on this journey. Embrace debate in /all chat (the comments), and remember: good luck, have fun!

Darius is from Noxus. Noxus really likes the colors red and black, their rivals like the color blue (…more on that in a minute). In-game, Darius is known as a bully who can pop off in lane (regular season) but has difficulty translating that success to teamfighting and objectives (the postseason). He has had moments of success nonetheless and if used right can really excel, but some people would call this operator (coaching) error holding them back.

Garen is Mr. Big Sword McArmorface. He wants to run at you, shrug off whatever you do, and then drop a big glowing fuck ass sword on you while screaming JUSTICE!!! He is from Demacia, which is the Blue to Noxus’s Red. They’re big on devotion and very haughty. The foil to Darius in every way.

When a player locks Vayne in on the champion selection screen, the gods flip a coin. You are either about to see somebody put on a masterclass of how to play the game and delete enemies, or you are going to see somebody shitting into both of their hands at once. This is called “Vaynespotting”. There are high hopes for victory, but they rarely ever exceed the way you want them to. They’re usually good at deleting the matchups they win from existence, but if they run into, say, a Darius, it’s game over for them and they’ll die brutally despite their best efforts. This is Penn State football in a nutshell.

Azir is the fallen emperor of a once-mighty kingdom from some time ago. His kit revolves around summoning soldiers made from sand and moving them around to attack. When this character first entered the professional meta, he was a very popular pick and contributed greatly to championships. He then got nerfed to hell and back by the NCAA Riot, the game’s publisher. To this day, he still has an exciting playstyle and can be effective. But it ain’t what it used to be. Go Canes.

Gangplank is a pirate who used to run shit in his area of the in-game world. After an assassination attempt in the lore, the message “Gangplank is dead” rang out across the game and the character was temporarily disabled from play. Much like the rules-maligned Pony Excess, Gangplank rose from the dead and was garbage for a while. But! He got buffed and reworked, much like how SMU moved up in the world via conference realignment. Gangplank is now known for blowing things up and stacking that sick oil tycoon booster money gold coins.2

Karthus has a unique ability where, once he has died, he has a period of time where he can cast all of his spells to try to get revenge. This includes an ability that hits every enemy player on the map. No matter who you are or how safe you think you are, Karthus can kill you. The Pitt football team historically shares those characteristics. Oh, they’re 2-9 coming off a horrific season? They don’t care. You are trapped in here with them. You will go to hell and you will like it.3