The Panel: I Hate This God Damn House

Jerry Reinsdorf has decided to eventually sell his majority stake in the Chicago White Sox. To many fans on the Southside, this is Christmas morning. The man who ran the White Sox like he was forced to, not because he wanted to, is finally leaving the organization. No more City Connect uniforms that shout out other teams in the city. No more spats with General Managers,1 franchise legends,2 managers,3 etc. No more being one of the sneakiest cheap franchises in the history of the sport.4 The funniest part of this, to me, is that he’s doing so as the franchise has perhaps one of the deepest and most exciting farm systems I’ve ever seen.5 One that is months away from showing the fruits of growth after being one of the worst teams in the 150+ year history of professional baseball in recent times.

Sunshine and rainbows end quickly when a new storm appears on the horizon. According to our sources,6 the person set to acquire the majority stake of the Chicago White Sox is none other than Justin Ishbia, brother of Mat Ishbia. Current claim to fame: running the Phoenix Suns into the ground.7 Additionally, the transaction might not actually take place for 4 years, per reports. You might be thinking to yourself, “we finally get rid of this asshole only to bring in a younger, bigger asshole.” The fact that he spends money might be the only saving grace for you, a fan of a team who broke a curse longer than the Red Sox only to have that championship forgotten, often by people in your own city. [Michael Smith voice] What if I told you there was another option? Insert: The Panel™

For this installment, we are going to do a blind bid for the Chicago White Sox. The offer is solely up to each Malcontent™ and price is right scoring is enabled. The winning bid will be announced when published.

I would like to offer my house, which is currently up for sale, and 12 Shiner Bocks.

As new Owner, I will ensure that we will use only the latest and greatest analytic and scouting strategies while employing the oldest-school manager imaginable. Gut + numbies = wins. Luis Robert Jr. and other veterans will be traded yesterday to add even more firepower to the farm. Finally, I would like to thank the Colorado Rockies for taking the attention off of us so when we win 80 games next year people will think I am the greatest owner in sports. Lastly, we are going back to the softball shorts.

My only offer is that if someone gets shot inside the stadium, we will not blame her for being fat. At the end of the day, Chicago sports fandom is just waiting for the owner to die.

$1.3 Billion, Bob.

[motioned offstage, hushed conversation ensues with an invisible producer]

Sorry for the confusion, folks. That’ll be $1.3 billion and the giardinera8 that spilled on my shirt from my hot dog I had for lunch, Drew.

I’ll offer $3 Billion, but it’s contingent on Jerry Reinsdorf personally financing the building of an exact replica of Comiskey Park for the White Sox to play in from here on out.

$1.00 and a day with the space laser.

This sucks so bad for them, decrepit old man promised he’s going to sell (to a family of mortgage swindlers) and he’s not even going to do it until he’s 98 years old. At least the Wilpons went swiftly when they did go.

Honestly, just give me the team, that’s doing them a favor. They want to get out of the hellhole that is the White Sox post-2005. Maybe the biggest surprise is they’ve not flogged that win as much as the Mariners have an extra base hit in 1995.9

Justin Ishbia, following in his brother's footsteps with the Phoenix Suns,10 will engineer a franchise-ruining trade to bring Kris Bryant back to Chicago several years after anyone thought that was a good idea.

My offer is: I won't do that.

I’d like to offer nothing at all, because that’s what the White Sox are worth to me.

10% of my income

There is evil and injustice in this world, yes (universal DH). I am buying the Pope’s favorite baseball team using tithing guidelines.11

Indulge me here (Reformation joke). I’m courting the Vatican’s favor and seeking reconciliation for one of history’s greatest wrongs. I am drafting Drake LaRoche out of Valdosta State. Adam can visit the locker room any time.12

The purchase price hasn’t been disclosed yet, so I’ll use Forbes’ most recent valuation of $2.05B and 2024 revenues of $277M as a starting point. Anyone who followed the White Sox last year and this year (including the Pope) knows that the Sox are the dictionary definition of a “distressed asset”, so we’re probably going to get a pretty good bargain here. Factoring in depreciation of assets, catastrophic loss of brand value and goodwill,13 and the fact that they play in what is now a sneaky-tough division therefore restricting short/mid term future revenue flows and growth potential, I’m going to go ahead and make a bid of $100. They’d be lucky to get it.

I’d like to piggyback off Wayne’s suggestion here. For most of my life, the White Sox have been the villains, treacherously impeding on the heroic Minnesota Twins’ efforts to win the American League Central. Joe Crede, Scott Podsednik, Jon Garland, James Baldwin, many such examples of evil.

Speaking of evil, I think we can all agree that private equity has been one of the most malignant forces in American society over the past 30-40 years. They have sunk their tentacles into nearly every aspect of our economy while stripping it for parts, burdening it with debt, and leaving a husk of what it once was in its wake. Everyone involved in the industry should be taxed out of existence.

What if we used those tactics to benefit the heroes of this story, the Twins? As you might know,14 the Twins are also for sale. What I am proposing is this: I will use my powers of persuasion, and my family's fortune that you don't need to know about, to purchase both the Twins and White Sox for $500 million. I will then trade every asset the White Sox have (really just minor league players like Hagen Smith, Noah Schultz, Kyle Teel, etc.) to the Twins in exchange for the reported15 $425 million in debt the team mysteriously still has on the books. At this point, I will announce that 2026 will be the final season of White Sox baseball in the city of Chicago. Our final game will be a updated version of Disco Demolition Night, where beer is free for everyone. After the game, we will hold a large bonfire at second base where all White Sox branded merchandise left over at New Comiskey will be burned.

Eat shit, Paul Konerko.

Thanks for reading, unless your name is Paul Konerko. Feel free to share to anyone else you think would enjoy this.