It’s November.
Congratulations. You’ve done it again. You’ve told yourself this time will be different. You just watched your football team take a giant shit in the biggest game of the year, perhaps the decade1, and you need something to bring the vibes back. You’re actually going to get into college basketball. The basketball team is set up to be one of the best in the country. Full of Juniors and Seniors and ready to establish that your school can play more than one sport.
It’s March.
Welcome back. You tried your best, but life, seasonal depression, and watching a bunch of 19-year-olds try to make an open jumper has sent you over the edge. Why the fuck does anyone watch this sport? Why do the last two minutes of a game last longer than an episode of Friends? What are you going to do to prepare for arguably the most fun two weeks in the sports calendar? Where could you possibly look for enough information to sound like you actually followed through with your threat? Enter: The Panel™.
Which Region is the strongest?
East: 50%
South: 22%
Midwest: 14%
West: 14%
Not particularly surprised by this result. Typical East Coast bias2.
Which #1 seed loses first?
Duke: 29%
“ACC ain’t played nobody, Pawwwwwwl. If Auburn does not win the whole thing, I think this year should be considered a waste for Auburn. We should question if Bruce Pearl can win the big one. Would be more devastating than UVA losing to UMBC.”
“Cooper Flagg is a bust.”
“More like Pooper Flagg on one good leg.”
Florida: 29%
"UConn.”
“UConn is inevitable. Also, my neighbor threw a fit to keep the Florida-Alabama blowout on my TV last Saturday.”
“Todd Golden sends a dick pic in the team group chat and his Peyronie's really throws the team off its game.”
Auburn: 21%
“They have been crashing down the stretch and look out of sorts, and also cause fuck ‘em.”
“UC San Diego is gonna suffocate them. It's gonna be hilarious.”
“They fuck livestock.”
Houston: 21%
“Gonzaga.”
“Gonzaga is better than them.”
“Go Dwags.”
“They play a disgusting brand of basketball and will be punished for it.”
Which team is definitely not advancing beyond the Sweet 16?
Texas A&M: 100%
Our First Round upset picks to click!
Colorado State over Memphis
Arkansas over Kansas3
Yale over Texas A&M
North Carolina over Ole Miss
Drake4 over Mizzou
UC San Diego over Michigan
High Point over Purdue
McNeese over Clemson
Bryant over MSU
Screw Cinderella, what player am I going to fall in love with before forgetting about in 6 weeks?
“Asa Newell”
“I don’t watch college basketball but it’s gonna be a fat guy.”
“I've only started watching this last week so some scrappy player from UC San Diego.”
“I could not name you single player on any team if you have me 3 tries.”
“Money Williams”
“Donovan Dent”
“Kyler Filewich, Wofford (he shoots granny free throws, is white, and wears a headband)”
“Bennett Stirtz for Drake, who's gonna score 25+ to beat Mizzou.”
“Tyler McGhie”
“Marquel Sutton after he leads an Omaha team to a win over St. John’s in a big game, something that Creighton couldn’t do.”
“Much like the former retailer, Mark Sears will dominate his early competitors only to completely collapse once he faces anyone who knows what they're doing.”
“Aniwaniwa Tait-Jones”5
“I don’t know who anyone in college basketball is so I will instead take this time to remember Fabio Quagliarella.”
“Cooper Flagg speedruns the Zion arc.”
Who is going to San Antonio?
Alabama, Auburn: 57%
Houston: 50%
Florida: 43%
St. John’s: 36%
Duke, Michigan State, Tennessee: 21%
Kentucky, Wisconsin: 14%
Arizona, Georgia, Gonzaga, Kansas, Louisville, Michigan, Texas A&M,6 Texas Tech, Kemba, Shabazz, Donovan Clingan, Andre Jackson Jr.: 7%
Charles Barkley: 100%
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Who is going to win it all?
Houston: 29%
“This is the year Kelvin Sampson does it.”7
“They play a disgusting brand of basketball and will be rewarded for it.”8
Auburn: 21%
“Best team over the course of the year. Duke is injured. Houston disgusts me. Florida is inexperienced.”9
“Life isn’t fair and everyone sucks”
Tennessee: 14%
“Because I love stepping on the same rake over and over and over and over and over and..”
Alabama: 7%
“It’s going to be an Iron Bowl national championship game, and Bruce Pearl will not see heaven.”
Florida: 7%
“Rick Barnes needs to pay for his crimes to basketball.”
St. John’s: 7%
“Let's go Mets baybee, love da Mets.”
Texas Tech: 7%
“They'll give every team they play Raider Rash to create a competitive advantage.”10
UConn: 7%
“Until proven otherwise.”
What are you going to watch Thursday morning before the games start?
The Price is Right: 100%
