The Panel: 162 Quite Bitter Beings

Baseball is nigh upon us. Arguably the best time of the sports calendar is in full swing, and the National Pastime is here to provide the soundtrack to our days and evenings until fall. I recently watched a video by the great Jon Bois1 and it really hit me that my favorite sport is back. Normally, I would use this section to make some jokes about the state of the sport, the ever-increasing frequency of pitcher injuries, or the Mariners doing absolutely nothing to materially improve the quality of their team. Instead, to steal from the above video, I want to celebrate perhaps the single thing that is most human - absolutely wasting your time doing things that don’t really matter until you look at the body of work.

Having said all of the above, we have some things to settle. In fact, The Malcontents™ almost had a benches-clearing brawl while fleshing out this column. Who is our prettiest princess?2 Who makes the best jokes?3 Why are the Angels promoting yet another prospect way too early, this time without even appearing in the minor leagues? The only way to settle all of this is simple: Last Person Standing in the alley behind the office call in The Panel™, the only group with more connections than Jeff Passan, to Feud.

“The AL Central is big doo-doo. Yankees get got by turf monsters and elbow surgeons.”

“So here’s the thing: I am an unapologetic homer. But I’m also realistic, ya know? I think that things will happen in this exact order and if it doesn’t, then the universe is wrong.”

“I need to learn how the playoffs work.”

“Yankees going under .500, babyyyyy.”

“White Sox: Nowhere to go but to the playoffs.”

“Too many god damn teams in the playoffs, I don't care if the team I root for "makes the playoffs" via the third wild card. Shit does not count in my book.

“Fuck the Mariners. The current ownership group should go find the octopi in the Puget Sound.”

”Will the Royals actually make it? Probably not, but I'm paid for takes, not for being correct.”

“A’s are gonna end up fun as a giant fuck you to Oakland because the world is so stupid.”

“The Mariners’ 10-year plan to win 54% of the time results in missing 100% of the playoffs this year.”

“The Mariners have an "always the bridesmaid" kink with success.”

“I know we're not expecting much from the Tigers but I think last year will end up looking like a flash in the pan instead of the start of a competitive window. Their infield is disgusting, and their outfield isn't much better.”

“The White Sox are the joke.”

“I flew out to California to see my college girlfriend, and the day after I landed happened to be the funeral of one of her high school classmates. I know his soul was finally at rest because he did not have to endure the burdens of both Purdue and the Angels anymore.”

“Mike Trout. Just one more 10 WAR season. Just one more, bro.”

“I've tailgated in the Kauffman parking lot with original formula 4 Loko, it holds a special place in my (404 memories not found).”

“It physically pains me to be nice to the Royals.”

“Dayton Moore isn't the Royal's GM anymore, so the players can look at porn again. This has powered Bobby Witt Jr. to newfound heights.”4

“Lance McCullers isn't real. In fact he's never been real. He's been a Mandela Effect that the Astros concocted for the 2017 cheating World Series. However, it somehow works again and the Astros convince everyone that not only does Lance McCullers exist, but he's good at his job.”

“East coast bias robs Tarik Skubal from this award.”

“Skubal isn’t ending the year in the AL LGM baby love da Mets.”

“deHugeCock solidifies his hall-of-fame resume with another CY.”

Others Receiving Votes: Coby Mayo (3 votes), Jackson Jobe (3 votes), Cam Smith (2 votes), Jack Leiter, Roman Anthony, Jac Caglianone, Jasson Dominguez, Your Mother

“His name is Spanish for the White Kobe.”

“Going out on a limb because Mayo is not an Oriole who’s a white guy with long blonde hair, he’s only an Oriole who’s a white guy. Hopefully this doesn’t burn me.”

“Jobeson Jack.”

“I’ve got no God damn idea, man.”

“I don't think this is the year for the Colorado Rockies.”

“i woUld never joke aBout the dodgers empIre, i respecT and admire them too muCH.”

“I tried to put the Dodgers in every single playoff spot but it wouldn’t let me so I had to do actual thinking.”

“Reese McGuire signed with the Cubs on a minor league deal this offseason, which means when I walk through the parking lot at Cubs AAA games this year my eyes are going to be looking straight ahead into the distance and at nothing else.”

“Dodgers win, otherwise it's a fake league.”

“My dumbass prediction for the year is the entire NL Central finishes sub-.500.”

“Cam Smith will have a better OPS than Kyle Tucker, $10 bet on it right now.”

“For some reason, the fightin’ Phils just have their boots stuck in the mud. The San Diego Dads end up selling Cease and/or King but still rake in spite of everything. The Pittsburgh Pirates are a bit, and nobody clears 25 home runs this year. Also, name 5 Marlins right now. I dare you.”

“Blindly picking the Pirates as the Portland Trailblazers of this MLB season (bad team that picks up some stupid wins).”

“Watch, just because I included the Cards here, they’ll win the Central with like 84 games and go on a devil magic-fueled WS run. Fuck that fucking team.”

“I think the cardinals are going to be very very bad.”

“Fuck 12 (the Cardinals), no Missouri sports team deserves to know peace for as long as I have to be amongst these yokels.”

“Fuck St. Louis. All my homies hate Provel.”

“In Fortnite you can play as Shohei and you can wield a baseball bat that increases your speed and shoots lightning. The real Shohei can't do that.”

“Hey Ton’, I gave Mookie the plague.”

“He good.”

“Fueled by garlic fries, 87 year old Justin Verlander has a resurgence in his 29th professional season.”

“Skenes and the Pirates will go full DeGrom and then some. Sub-2.00 ERA, insane K/BB ratio, 2 completely new pitches discovered, and uhhhhh a 7-12 record. Sure. At least Buccos fans will be excited to see the Steelers play this year *holds finger to earpiece* nevermind. *asks a Browns fan to borrow a paper bag*”

“Bringing my sons to a game with the Pirates in town to show them that if you throw hard as fuck, you too can get a baddie.”

“He throw hard.”

Others Receiving Votes: Bubba Chandler, Drake Baldwin, Thomas Saggese, Someone named “Roy”, Mark Vientos (pending eligibility), There are no rookies in the NL, Your Father

“If Roy from Super Smash played baseball, he'd be decent.”

“He’s gonna be so fun to watch before his elbow does a Hindenburg and he’s out for 1.5 years. (Sorry Mitch)”

“25/25 season on a more exciting than you think Nationals team will go a long way.”

“As the Braves' star studded squad continues to fill out the IR like Johnny Sins fills out his resume with job titles, Drake Baldwin has the least amount of Barves on his body and will persevere.”

“Diamondbacks. Road warriors taking out the Braves and Doyers in back to back rounds.”

“It’s all about da Mets baybee love da Mets”

“Somehow also the Dodgers.”

“Elly De La Cruz will have me bargaining with God.”

“You can’t call me a brick that’s not nice.”5

“350ft but the wall is made of Natty Boh cans that as the season progresses, additional cans are added to the top of the wall.”

“Dig a hole through the earth and that's almost deep enough.”

“A furlong.”

“369' at the pole and 420' to the alley.”

“Girth is more important than depth but that said, pretty girthy.”

“Move it to the Washington Monument.”

“250 feet, we’re playing little league, baby.”

“Have you ever seen the Cement Gardens field from Backyard Baseball? The brick in right field is already there, I'm just saying.”

“700 feet.”

“Not as deep as ur mum.”

“Yes.”

“One foot shorter than pesky pole.”6

“Catcher.”

“Left Field, shockingly.”

“Venezuelan National Team Manager.”

“Coxswain.”

“Put him in center I wanna see what happens.”

“Rover (Manfred keeps the shift banned but allows a tenth fielder in regular season extra innings because BASEBALL IS ZANY!!!1!”

“He's always playing with my heart 😭”

“Shortstop.”

“Ryan Day (third base).”

“Could you imagine him playing first base?”

“Strider injures elbow throwing bottle at a Cybertruck”

“Blake Dunn, Reds rookie outfielder, labrum tear after home run bat toss.”

“A Rockies player (I cannot name a single one) has the courage to do the 9/9/9 challenge during a game and hits a dinger but tears something on his home run trot.”

“John Means tears his UCL again shaking hands at a fundraiser.”

“Someone's going to get measles or TB and while it will be dumb it will also be really sad.”

“Testicular torsion during a bat flip gone awry.”

“Chris Sale will tear his Achilles on an elliptical.”

“Trump will attend a Nats game and Trevor Williams will tear his UCL shaking his hand too enthusiastically.”

“Someone will throw their back out after sneezing too hard.”

“Livvy will fight someone.”

“Altuve cock and ball obliteration.”

“Orioles left field wall breaks when someone jumps into it.”

“Tyler Glasnow will hurt himself meditating.”

“To quote Paul Giamatti's dad: ‘I am a simpler creature, tied to more primitive patterns and cycles. I need to think something lasts forever, and it might as well be that state of being that is a game; it might as well be that, in a green field, in the sun.’ I am ready to embrace the unending pattern - the endless spring of hope followed by the brutal autumn winds of reality that is a Reds baseball season. I will cherish Elly Delly, the hero of this timeline, and the constant comfort that once again there is an Encarnacion in Cincinnati.”

“Shoutout to my true bros for life sportsurge dot net, gostreameast dot link, and mlb66 dot ir, love you forever man, couldn't do this without you.”

“I personally think that Cade Povich (Orioles #5 starter) takes a step forward and makes his mark. Becomes Max Fried 2.0 and serves as a perfect top/mid-rotation starter for the O’s behind G-Rod and Eflin. The Orioles offense will find its level, especially in the postseason. Samuel Basallo makes his way into the bigs in like August, only hits .220 but smacks a ball far and one-hops the warehouse. And best of all, say it with me and David Ortiz. DA… JANKEES LOSE!”

“Luis Severino wins 15 games in Oakland Las Vegas Sacramento.”

“Braves collapse imminent. Yankees are going to be like ok but not good without Cole. Boone is going to get fired. Brett Baty rising. Nationals become extremely fun to watch but no one does because it’s DC. AL East turns into a slopfest.”

“The AL is wide open and is going to be a really fun race. I really don't see any dominant teams that will run away with the best record and will be down to the last week for all the seeds. The Central will be awful but at least entertaining. Oh and Roman Anthony is the truf.”

“Lord help me I’m believing in the White Sox to be fun. Not good yet, but fun. Jasson Dominguez is somehow still a rookie and I still believe he’s gonna put it all together. Orlando Arcia is still the starting shortstop for the Braves, please save me Nacho Alvarez.”

“I just want a healthy season out of Emmanuel Rodriguez, is that too much to fuckin' ask? Connor Prielipp too plzzzzz. Josue de Paula is going to be a top 10 prospect by the end of the year. Very very curious to see how Chase Burns' fastball plays against upper level minor league hitters since the ACC somehow teed off on it. Seriously go look at Chase DeLauter's swing it is so dumb. Does Druw Jones put together a second solid year in a row and place himself firmly in post-hype sleeper status? O/U June 1st until Christian Moore is in an Angels uni? The other three major sports have skills competitions as part of their all-star break/weekend/whatever, it's about goddamn time MLB follows suit.”

“Alejandro Kirk is the people’s MVP”

“Dairon Blanco wins the home run derby over a loaded field. Marcelo Mayer flops. Noah Schultz throws the White Sox into the playoffs and gets robbed in ROY balloting. Sal Stewart ends the year as a consensus top 10 prospect.”

“This is the year Mike Trout leaves purgatory.”

“I wonder if the Rockies are going to be anonymously bad or threaten the White Sox for greatness. The Mariners should be good, so they're going to fill their diaper up throughout the year and blame everything but ownership. They're just a bunch of penny-pinching fucks who would sell their Grandma if they could get a few bucks from it.”

“NL Central will end with every team finishing .500.”

“I will watch more than 5 regular season games this year.”

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