The Day After Tomorrow's Golf League

Got bored, decided to live blog TGL’s debut tonight. Here we go!

6:00 PM - ACC Basketball mercifully ends. Scott Van Pelt welcomes us to the shitshow.

6:01 PM - Cool little video package that is basically top golf with production value, closed off with Tiger. I’ve seen worse things.

6:03 PM - Pre-match interview with New York Golf Club. Rickie Fowler now wears glasses. We slowly creep towards the end.

6:05 PM - The Bay Golf Club’s turn. Ludvig Åberg is the only person speaking for The Bay. Clearly seeking glory, not a team player, etc.

6:06 PM - Now on to team intros, with NYGC up first. Empire State of Mind plays for NYGC. Music production deep in their bag right now. Rickie is still wearing glasses.

6:08 PM - Snap Yo Fingers (featuring E-40) leads in TBGF. Music production doing a bit better here. DJ Khaled sighting in the stands. No one is happier to be remembered than he is.

6:10 PM - Matt Barrie is here. God dammit. Matt Barrie is telling me how this version of golf works. No mention of the sport of golf being unsatisfied with the level of income inequality to this point.

6:11 PM - Marty Smith is also here. I like Marty. He seems like the eternal “I don’t know why I’m here but we’re all having fun, brother” guy.

6:12 PM - A shot clock???

6:13 PM - Hole #1: The Plank. Standard par-4, it appears. Might have a short cut but we will find out. Looks like a hole that someone who really tried to be a course designer on PGA 2k23 made.

6:14 PM - AN NBA REFEREE???

6:15 PM - DJ Khaled shown a 2nd time.

6:18 PM - Ludvig Åberg drains a putt to win the first hole. Lot of stuff going on, here. Kawhi Leonard was seen laughing, which is terrifying. Rickie is still wearing glasses. Matt Fitzpatrick hit his approach about 20 feet off the green, getting booed off the box. Wyndham Clark is involved. Honestly, really nice pace, kinda hate that I love it so far. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 1, New York Golf Club - 0.

6:18 PM - Hole #2, Pick Your Plunder. A par-5 with 3 different routes to take, all surrounded by water. We’re getting really dumb now.

6:25 PM - The hotel chain barely misses a bunker with the drive. Matt Fitzpatrick rips a bomb down the center of one of the fairways, immediately apologizes for how British he is. Åberg hits a ball into the bunker, which apparently is a penalty? Xander goes for the green in two and also hits it into the bunker. Absolute fool. Marty smith decides to hop in to tell us that Shane Lowry almost “soiled his pants.” Shane Lowry immediately hits a bunker shot to about 2 feet. Really got out of the shit. Awful bunker shot by Rickie, likely due to the glasses. Fitzpatrick misses the birdie putt, we have a stand-off, and a putt is conceded. Nobody wins hole #2. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 1, New York Golf Club - 0.

6:27 PM - Interview with Xander, it’s a shame he’s so good at golf. On to hole #3, a par-3. No real intro or anything, so we’ll just figure it out.

6:33 PM - Åberg starts it off for TBGC, hits one on the green, but not particularly close to the hole. Mediocre shot at best, but I guess I’m built different. Xander follows it up by finding the bunker. Classic Xander collapse. Shane Lowry misses a 55 foot putt by like 8 feet, seems decent. Rickie with the bad glasses hits it to about 10 feet from the short-side bunker. Fitzpatrick misses the par putt. His next good stroke will be his first. Hammer thrown and accepted, so this hole is now worth 2 points. The hotel chain drains the putt. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 3, New York Golf Club - 0.

6:37 PM - Back from our first commercial straight into a Tiger interview. He seems like he’s having fun but also higher than a kite.

6:38 PM - Hole #4, Boomerang, is a par-5 that is shaped like a boomerang.

6:44 PM - Lowry leads us off by missing the fairway left. Rickie absolutely launches one in spite of the glasses. The hotel chain lays up out of the rough. Boring shot from a boring player. Fitzpatrick hits NYGC’s second shot left of the green-side bunkers. Still waiting for his first good one. Åberg hits a beauty of a 3rd shot for TBGC, 4 feet from the hole. NYGC in a tough spot to get up and down to tie the 4th. As if on cue, Xander hits NYGC’s 3rd to about 10 feet. Tough putt to stay in the match. Rickie misses and I miss Rickie without glasses. The wheels are flying off. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 4, New York Golf Club - 0.

6:45 PM - Tiger Woods, at the desk, being interviewed by Marty Smith, on the course. Anyway, Hole #5, another PGA 2k23 try-hard hole. This time a par-3.

6:48 PM - The hotel chain finds the green. Nothing remarkable from this man at all. Fitzpatrick misses the green again. His teammates are trying to find ways to injure him. Xander hits his chip to about 6 inches. Jealous. Åberg makes a 32-footer anyway. New York Golf Club playing like the New York Jets. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 5, New York Golf Club - 0.

6:49 PM - Hole #6, Bluebonnet, super long par-4 with a cliff in the middle or something. Looks fun. Can’t wait to see Fitz hit one into the face of the cliff.

6:54 PM - Åberg smokes one down the middle. Xander returns serve. Rickie with 149 yards, his wheelhouse, and misses badly. Need Rickie to take off the goddamn glasses. Lowry finds the green against the odds. Fitz almost putts the ball off the green. Red dots starting to appear on his chest. The hotel chain with a 16-footer to win the hole and he putts it 14 feet. Xander misses his. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 6, New York Golf Club - 0.

6:59 PM - Hole #7, Oh, Shoot, is a 235-yard par-3. Hammer thrown before the start.

7:02 PM - Lowry starts us off by hitting it just short and left of the green. Rickie up for NYGC and hits it to basically the same spot as Lowry. I hate Glasses Rickie. The hotel chain hits a very average chip, Fitzpatrick about a foot better. Need to see an 18-hole match between these two. Might cure insomnia. Åberg makes his par putt, because of course. Hole halved. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 6, New York Golf Club - 0.

7:04 PM - HOLE #8 HAS LAVA. IS ON A VOLCANO. Long par-4. Please let someone hit it into the lava.

7:08 PM - The hotel chain barely clears the lava, much to the dismay of everyone still awake when he plays. Fitzpatrick has been working towards this moment his entire life, does not challenge the lava. Absolute coward. Xander up next, just misses the green, but about 12 feet from the hole. Solid. Åberg catches a bit of a break, just keeping his approach on the green. Lowry misses a putt, Rickie misses a chip. Hole halved. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 6, New York Golf Club - 0.

7:09 PM - Quick aside, really funny that the golfers are in full golf attire. I know they have sponsors and what not, but I want to see someone roll up in an oversized hoodie and 5-inch hoochie daddy shorts.1

7:10 PM - Hole #9, Spear, is a long par-5 that looks like someone just found out about shapes.

7:15 PM - Åberg finds the polygon, but not the good part of it. Xander finds the good part of the polygon. Matt Barrie says it was, “slapped.” Alright, then. Lowry lays up. Coward. Layups belong in rural high school basketball. Rickie goes for it in 2, misses left of the green, but at least he didn’t lay up. The hotel chain misses the green from 80 yards. Good. Fitzpatrick misses the green from 80 inches spins it from off the green to about a foot. Finally on the board with a good shot. Åberg almost holes it from off the green. J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! Score: The Bay Golf Club - 6, New York Golf Club - 1.

7:25 PM - Hole #10, Serpent, a 600-yard par-5. Rickie and Shane Lowry go head-to-head.

7:32 PM - Rickie misses the fairway, the first cut, the long rough, etc, Rickie and his glasses now live in the trees. So long, partner. Lowry finds the first cut. Rickie with a solid shot out of the forest to get back in play, leaving a wedge in. Lowry with a solid 2nd shot, should also have a relatively short way in. Lowry hits his 3rd to inside of 10 feet. TBGC definitely playing like they have a massive lead. Rickie misses the green with a wedge, it’s never been more over. I am never wearing glasses. Rickie with a great chip, unfortunately he will be getting a bogey on this par-5. Rickie concedes, throws the flag at Lowry’s putt, everyone has a nice laugh. The Bay Golf Club has clinched the match tonight, tie-breakers are the only thing to play for now. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 7, New York Golf Club - 1.

7:34 PM - Hole #11, Alpine, is in the mountains. 500-yard par-4. Let’s see some bombs.

7:35 PM - The hotel chain hits one 360, but it wasn’t even fun. Fitzpatrick does not hit it as far.

7:36 PM - DJ Khaled 3rd appearance. It’s out of control. He’s cutting a promo on Marty Smith.

7:38 PM - Back to golf, Fitzpatrick misses a putt. TBGC wins another hole. It’s time to ask if TBGC could beat the Titans. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 8, New York Golf Club - 1.

7:40 PM - Hole #12, no idea what it’s called. 200-yard par-3.

7:41 PM - Åberg hits a beauty. I’m becoming a fan.

7:41 PM - A timeout has been taken. NYGC is down by a touchdown, please let’s not do this. This is like college basketball when coaches start calling timeouts when getting blown out to be assholes.

7:43 PM - We return, Xander hits it forward. Xander hits it again and is still not on the green. Åberg is visibly bored. Hole conceded. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 9, New York Golf Club - 1.

7:46 PM - Hole #13, Straight Up, is a pretty standard par-4 shaped like Paula Abdul.

7:52 PM - Lowry starts us off by telling me that he really wants to love me forever. Glasses finally bombs one. Lowry, from the bunker, comes up about 10 yards short. Says the shot was like himself, chunky. Love a chunky king. Glasses hits a 2nd good shot in a row which leads me to believe he thought the first 12 holes didn’t count. Lowry with a tough chip and misses the putt. Glasses increases New York’s point total by 100%. Talk about rate of return. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 9, New York Golf Club - 2.

7:53 PM - Hole #14, On The Rocks, is a drunk par-3.

7:54 PM - With the dulcet tones of Oasis in the background, Fitzpatrick hits another green. NYGC turning it on after the game is decided. Must be fans of Jimbo Fisher. Hotel chain does okay.

7:54 PM - The TGL SoFi cup has been shown. It’s super nice. Might be the 2nd best cup in sports, only behind the Winston Cup.

7:56 PM - Back to the golf, hotel chain misses a putt, Fitz misses a putt, hotel chain concedes Fitz’s putt, hotel chain makes his putt. Hole halved. I’ve never been this bored in my life. Score: The Bay Golf Club - 9, New York Golf Club - 2.

7:57 PM - Hole #15, Quick Draw, 700-yard par-5 or 500-yard par-5. Hell yeah let it eat.

7:59 PM - Xander finds the fairway going the fun way. Åberg also finds the fairway by going the fun route. Never doubted. Xander comes up short on his 2nd shot, is told to hit it harder next time. Yeah, dummy. I think Matt Barrie fell asleep. Åberg finds the green, I think, on his 2nd shot. The camera cut away as it was still rolling towards the fringe.

7:59 PM - Hammer compilation. Banned in certain states.

7: PM - Xander misses a chip for eagle. Åberg misses a putt for eagle. Final hole halved. Final Score: The Bay Golf Club - 9, New York Golf Club - 2.